Never the Same
by RedRose99
Summary: What Tony was thinking after Bury Your Dead.


**Never the Same**

"_I don't understand, what's happening? Tony that was your car, it was your car that just- It could've been you, it _should've_ been you." Jeanne's voice was confused, her eyes searching his face for answers. Answers he wasn't sure he could give. But he knew he had to, because she wasn't going to let this go until she knew the truth. He just had to know one thing first._

"_Tell me, tell me that you love me." He holds her hand, her pulse racing under his fingers. "Tell me." _

"_I do, it's just everything that's happened today and last night, the way you handled things, the gun, firing it the way you did and now this? It's like you're someone else, Tony, someone else. Someone I don't know." He doesn't say anything. He can't. _

"_What is it?" She pulls her hand away, staring at him. "You are, aren't you. Aren't you? Someone else. Who? Who are you?" He looks at into her eyes. Her gorgeous blue eyes, and suddenly he remembers the way she looked at him when he had first said "I love you". The joy and pure happiness on her face before she'd kissed him. How nothing else had mattered in that moment because she loved him and he knew he loved her. It didn't matter that he wasn't supposed to, that he was undercover. She'd have to find out the truth eventually of course, but she'd forgive him because you always forgive the people you love no matter what, right? But there had always been that voice in the back of his mind that had known it wouldn't be that easy. And now he knows he has to tell her, he owes her this much. _

"_I'm a federal agent. My name isn't Tony DiNardo it's Anthony DiNozzo and I work for the Naval Criminal Investigative Service." He forces himself to look at her as he tells her, even though he'd rather look anywhere else. Forces himself to watch as her world comes crashing down around her with two simple sentences, and knows that he'll never forgive himself. _

"_This has all been a lie. A lie..."_

Tony DiNozzo woke up sweating, Jeanne's voice still ringing in his ears. He still couldn't believe that he'd fallen for her. He, Tony DiNozzo, playboy extraordinaire, dating a new woman every week, had finally fallen in love. Too bad it was with the one woman he couldn't have. But then life never had been fair to him had it? Losing his mother when he was only eight years old and then Kate, the closest thing he'd had to a sister, to family, had been shot right before his eyes. There were still some nights when he would wake up convinced her blood was all over him and no matter how long he spent in the shower he could never get it all off.

And now Jeanne. Jenny had been right all along, he should have known that there could never be a happy ending. But he was actually in love for the first time in his life, and if that was possible than anything was possible, right? Wrong, he thought to himself scrubbing his hand over his face as if he could erase the image of Jeanne's face when she found out that Tony DiNardo was really Tony DiNozzo. That the charming film professor she'd fallen in love with was actually an undercover agent, using her to get to her father.

"_This has all been a lie. A lie..." And he just can't let her think that so he finds her hand and holds it, refusing to think that it might be the last time, and tries to tell her, tries to make her understand._

"_Jeanne, listen to me. Not all of it. Not everything. Just some things. Not the important things." But she pulls her hand away and that's when he realises that she doesn't believe him and that she isn't going to forgive him._

And why should she believe him? He'd been lying to her for months and lying was something he knew he was good at. He'd certainly had a lot of practice at it thanks to his father.

_He was 10 years old and his teacher was asking him how he'd broken his arm. For just a moment he imagined telling the truth, that his father had slammed him into the wall just because he'd accidentally knocked over his drink at one of his precious business meetings. But he dismissed the idea immediately; he wanted to live to see his 11__th__ birthday after all. So he spun some story about falling out of a tree on the weekend and was relieved when Mrs Gregory just shook her head and told him he really must be more careful._

Tony rolled over to check the time. 4:12 am. Three hours before he had to get up and put on his 'happy Tony' mask. Three hours before he'd tease McGee and annoy Ziva, because that's what he always did and that's what he would have to do, so no-one would know how messed up he really was under his fake smile. Sure Gibbs would shoot him a concerned glance or two and Ziva and McGee would go easy on him for a while, but he'd say "I'm fine", because he was always fine no matter what happened, so why should this be any different? Little did they know that he couldn't look at a woman with blue eyes without remembering the look in _her _eyes when she found out the truth. Little did they know that he took the long way to work each morning just to avoid driving past _her _favourite restaurant where they'd had dinner so many times. And in a few months to them this would just be an old case, just a distant memory. But not to Tony DiNozzo. He'd never be the same.


End file.
